The Earth is Round and Other Lies

   I don’t know if you’ve ever had the pleasure of being absolutely certain that you are the smartest person in a room, but it’s as self indulgent as it is awesome. However, I was recently afforded the opportunity to be the smartest person out a group of thousands. I’m aware of how much of an asshole that makes me sound like, but it was in fact an enormous burden. The people that I was towering over with such mental prowess were none to be proud of, these people should be feared because they are just as dangerous to our society as they are inept to literally everything around them. These people are a serious threat to our way of life, our gene pool, and any hope for a prosperous future. This group of people that I’m referring to is a horrifying collective known as The Flat Earth Society.



   As any aspiring young journalist would do, I heard of the Society and knew that the world needed to be educated about this atrocity that walks among us. So I decided to infiltrate and become one of them. I felt like Huntrer S. Thompson when he wrote his famous piece about the Hells Angels. I was introduced and inducted into their ranks by an unnamed source who was also trying to gain knowledge about the Flat Earth Society so that we could bring these guys down once and for all. Once I was inside and I had gained their trust, I was lured into a world of such depravity and degradation that I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. I was introduced to a group of knuckle dragging fuck wagons whose mission it is to spread their own Gospel that the Earth we live on is indeed flat and not round, which is quite a prospect for a bunch of people that never finished middle school.

Now obviously the Flat Earth society is not anything that we actually need to fear, I just threw in a little satire to grab your attention, because honestly who in their right minds wants to entertain any notion that the Earth is flat? In all seriousness though, I was added to a group on Facebook called the Flat Earth Society via a friend of mine who was already trolling them, and he invited me so that I could join in on the fun of arguing with people who don’t believe in science and justify their beliefs by nonsense. I was unaware of how much fun I was about to have with these people’s fragile minds. Until, I started reading through the feeds of riveting discussions that these ball sacks were having with each other. Comments such as “What made you believe in flat earth?” Which would ensue a magnitude of responses encompassing everything from Jesus to YouTube, and it was at this time I knew that I was embarking on a journey on which I would be doing the Lord’s work.

  
   Before I knew it I was engulfed into the midsts of some of the most unintentional comedy gold I have ever witnessed. Every question that begged for proof of the Earth being flat was met with a diverse multitude of answers, but there were three major backings to this fairy tale theory. First, we have the “God created the Earth as a flat plane and there’s a missing book to the Bible that can prove it” ass hats. Then, we have the “There is no God but scientists are also just paid liars, so we are just atheists without a cause” Renegade group of fuck sticks. And finally, we have the “I’m a failed product of the public school system, and my parents never paid enough attention to my browser history” knuckle fucking scourge of the Earth group. Thankfully for the contents of this story, each group was as hell bent on denying reason as I can imagine their families are hesitant to invite these walking disappointments anywhere.

  
   So first up, we have the Flat God people. I began my exploration into this sect of this dumb ass cult by explaining that I was introduced to the life changing theory of a flat Earth by none other than Lucifer himself. Minds were not only blown, they were obliterated. I had spilled the brains of many a neck beard with that statement. They came at me with a fury of religious intolerance so fierce, for a brief moment I thought I was an ancient harlot. They shouted messages of shame and disappointment at me from the hilltops (of course by that I mean they typed with a ferocity on their mother’s basement computer so intense, I swear I could smell their Mountain Dew and hot Cheeto breath coming through the ether), and boy did they tell me. They educated me on the book of Enoch, the missing book from the Old Testament that conveniently describes that the Earth is Flat. They told me how wrong I was for believing that God would make us live under the prison of gravity on a globe. And after I learned that these people had never passed Junior High, I decided to see how stupid they really were. I began using phrases such as “frisbee of despair”, “Jesus God made frisbee home”, “The moon is an illusion created by light refraction, Satan, and a lack of faith” amongst many more and these flat Earth disciples were loving me for “spreading the word”. I then took it a step further and began quoting Tupac lyrics as scripture, and low and behold no one fact checked me, they just took it to heart and once again thanked me. That means there are people with poor hygiene skills and a deficit of friends walking around telling people that in Deuteronomy 40:2 Jesus said “So we live like caged beasts, waiting for the day to let the rage free, still me till the kill me, I love when they fear me” and that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. I thought my job was done after trolling the Flat Bible morons, but my work was far from over.

  
   Now enter the atheist conspiracy lunatics. These shit birds deny creationism and science all at the same time, while still remaining just as fucking stupid as that sounds. They’re not sure where we came from but they’re certain the Earth is flat and that Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Elon Musk, or anyone that has a shred of scientific proof against them are liars being paid by the One World Order to keep them down. Now you might ask, “Wouldn’t it be more productive for this angsty bunch to stop circle jerking each other off while reciting Limp Bizket lyrics and find some proof that the Earth is indeed flat?” Well yes it would! But unfortunately, they cannot because the United States Military is guarding all the proof they need, the Firmament. The Firmament is a giant glacier wall that goes around the entire perimeter of the flat Earth, and if found would prove their theory. In case you were unaware, there are currently thousands of US Marines deployed to the Firmament with guidance to kill anyone that even tries to get close. So unfortunately these virgin Boy Scouts aren’t going to be getting their merit badge for exploration anytime soon.



  
   Finally, there were people that were just plain fucking stupid for no good damn reason. So stupid in fact, that I thought they may have been fellow trolls, but upon investigating their profile pictures, I was able to determine (yes, by judging them completely based on their appearance) that sadly they were not trolls. They were just a bunch of people who shouldn’t be allowed to breed, but most of them in fact are, like rabbits I might add, and home schooling their little dumb ass kids based on a “Flat Earth Curriculum”, yep that’s a real thing I didn’t make that up. I didn’t make any of this up! This consumed four days of my life, in which I read and heard some of the most mind numbing garbage, from some of the worlds most readily available labatomy patients, yet there was one comment that infuriated me more than all the others. A man was seeking answers regarding how the sun appears to come up and go down even though we don’t actually revolve around it. His words not mine. I told him that in the book of Leviticus it states that “The sun may rise in the East, at least it’s settled in a final location.” Just in case you’re unaware, that is not scripture, that’s lyrics from Red Hot Chili Peppers “Californication”. A fairly well known song by people that don’t live with their heads firmly inserted in their own asses, but this man was amongst the ass hat community. He had the audacity to respond by saying “I don’t think that’s the Bible, I’m pretty sure that’s the Foo Fighters.” No it certainly is fucking not you genetic mishap.



  
   Eventually, my cover was blown and they blocked me from the Flat Earth Society. The golden age of my trolling empire was over. All in all, it was an eye opening and slightly disheartening experience to how sheepish some people truly are, but it was also fucking hilarious and so worth it. I hope you had as much fun laughing at these dip shits as I did, and I hope you’re not offended by how malicious I was in my descriptions of these turd burglars, but anyone that wants to believe the Earth is flat for any reason whatsoever, can kindly sit and twist on their own ideals and beliefs.