The Big SAD 

By: Javan Bair

That bastard Benjamin Franklin robs us of our precious sunlight once a year, every year. I actually have no idea if Benjamin Franklin invented daylight savings, I learned that from the movie National Treasure like fifteen years ago. But Nicholas Cage is a reliable source. Right? Whether or not Benjamin Franklin did take a break from being one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, being a president, posing for his portrait on the one-hundred dollar bill, and flying kites in lightning storms to develop daylight savings is beside the point. Because that time has come once again. And I speak for exclusively for myself, but I absolutely dread this time of year. I always encounter this overwhelming feeling of persistent sadness.

For most of my life, I thought this was an uncommon feeling. But then I learned about the big SAD. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), also known as Seasonal Depression. And there is a slew of reasons that the real spooky season begins right after Halloween for most people.  

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), “Millions of American adults may suffer from SAD, although many may not know they have the condition.” According to the research completed by NIMH, reasons for experiencing these seasonal symptoms may include: a lack of sunlight, a correlated lack of vitamin-D, isolation due to weather, and the exacerbation of pre-existing mental health conditions. And that last one is a straight up fucking B-I-N-G-O for me.  

My anxieties run rampant during this time of year. 

In an effort to be as honest and transparent as possible, I'll admit that during this time of year my anxiety manifests in persistent feelings of loss (past and potential) and worthlessness. I always tend to over analyze my current position in life. Which is also not uncommon. We all feel like burnouts sometimes. We all feel lost. We all feel displaced. We all feel as though our progress is simply not enough. And I find this to be so bizarre. After all, this a common on trope in everyone’s human experience. But the other commonality we all share is a trouble in expressing these thoughts of inadequacy, hopelessness, and uncertainty. It’s really fucking hard to open up.

That’s why I do this. My brain is much better connected to my hands than it is to my mouth. I can express my thoughts and emotions on paper so much better than I can when I try to use the old face hole. But there is profound impact in sharing your thoughts out loud. I implore anyone experiencing depression, seasonal or otherwise, to talk to someone. Preferably a professional. But there’s also no harm in commiserating with the homies. Start local. Be open with your friends. You may find that your struggle is not so singular. 

But here I am, face to face with all my seasonal demons once again. And they are really trying to fuck with me this year. So, I am going to lean into the emotions they invoke. Before I go further, I am not proposing this as a method of coping or healing for anyone else. But, I have spent at least the last decades worth of winters doing all I can to escape the way I feel. But now I want to feel every last fucking bit of what I am afraid of. I am embracing the kind of pain that sits in the gut pocket of our soul and strips us of the very air we need to breath. I want to learn from this pain rather than continually trying to silence it. I find myself beginning to surrender to the consequences of the decisions I have made and others have made around me. I am also diving deeper into the feelings of happiness that make that same part of my soul swell with excitement. I am finding that it is this duality that makes our consciousness worth possessing.  

As far as the feelings of being lost or not being where I should be in life, I’ll be taking a mantra from my friend Carlin. The other day we were talking and I shared with him the way I have been feeling. He not only shared the same experience, but he also told me something that will resonate with me for a long time. “This is it… For right now.” Understand where you are. Appreciate where you are. And continue to grow from this position.   

We all have a tendency to become downtrodden during this time of year. But I hope that this short piece can serve as a reminder that none of us our alone. If you read this and it resonated with you, let’s talk about in the comments.

The big SAD is here. We can all band together and blame Benjamin Franklin based off of one obscure scene from a dated Disney movie or we can act as a support system for another through the cold and dreary foreseeable future. I prefer the latter.

P.S.

Here's an article about Benjamin Franklin’s involvement in day light savings:

https://spectrumlocalnews.com/nc/charlotte/weather/2021/02/24/why-daylight-saving-time-

Here's the article I sourced from the National Institute of Mental Health. It has a lot of great information beyond what I used it for:

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/seasonal-affective-disorder