A Fresh Shave for Social Justice 

     This article may as well be titled, “Shut the Fuck Up and Stick to Selling Razors, Gillette” because that would basically sum up everything that needs to be said about their new commercial. If you’re unaware as to why myself or any rational person would take time out of their busy day to to write about the Gillette Razor Company’s new advertisement, well then I would love to elaborate. 

     A couple of days ago Gillette released a commercial that was as painstakingly odd and cringeworthy as any advertisement for razors could or ever should be. That being said there’s a lot of off putting shit that a razor company could show in an ad to put people in an outrage. I know what you’re thinking “Did Gillette show some dude performing (let’s call it, for lack of better words) the good ol downstairs clean up or even better yet, basement maintenance? Did they show some guy trimming their uncharted territories with a three-bladed weed wacker? Did they show some bros tending to each other’s sacred gardens? Did they show some hairy middle aged man shaving his legs in a dirty bathtub, while he sang along to Elton John’s Tiny Dancer and ate fried chicken with the other hand?” No you degenerates, however all four of the aforementioned scenarios would have been easier to watch at the same time, than to watch whatever the hell that awkward train wreck was that they put out. “Ok, so then what was their commercial?” To give an accurate and not too lengthy synopsis of it, it starts out with some very somber looking men staring into their mirrors as words like “the MeToo movement and sexual assault allegations” are uttered in the air. Then some clips from old Gillette commercials start playing, all of which state their slogan “The Best a Man Can Get”. Then a voice comes out and challenges all of us (men) to answer a question as old as Gillette itself, “Is this really the best a man can get?” Then enters a crowd of men running through a wall and acting like Neanderthals as they continue on their path of fuckery. After that, some B roll footage of bullying, sexual harassment, and boys fighting each other, all of which is followed by a group of “stereotypical” men standing behind their charcoal grills saying “Boys will be boys” over and over again, as if they’re in some kind of trance. Then the ominous voice returns and basically tells us that some people don’t bully, sexually assault women, and/or fight each other, and that’s pretty swell of those guys. He caveats off of that to inform those of us who were unaware, I suppose, that there are bad men in the world that do all of those terrible things, which is followed by an after school special style of B roll that displays chivalrous men doing chivalrous things. The commercial ends with a simple reminder from our friend the voice to make sure we don’t raise our sons into rapists and savages, and also buy Gillette products. 

     So it seems that Gillette has made an ad with what I believe was an intention to target toxic masculinity, but instead put out a weird PSA reminding men not to be scummy pieces of shit. Uh, thanks for the positive message guys, but what outcome or resolutions were you expecting from this? Did you think that some fucking sicko that goes around flashing his junk to women in parking lots was going to see this ad and be like “Holy shit, the razor people have reformed me, better put my dick away and go home!” Maybe you thought that the dude at the bar in the affliction shirt that aggressively hits on women, cat calls like a 1960’s construction worker, and ruphies drinks like he’s the next Bill Cosby was going to be shown this ad and think, “Gillette did get rid of my razor bumps, I guess I should learn to be a gentleman and treat women with respect and dignity.” *quick side note* If you wear affliction attire, every intelligent member of the Free World automatically assumes you are a rapist, throw your silly bedazzled shirts away and go fuck yourselves. *side note over* Were you of the mind that a serial rapist would see this and think to himself “I use their shaving cream, I should stop being an absolute piece of shit and turn myself into the authorities!” This ad won’t do fuck all to stop the scourge of the earth, knuckle dragging, shit faces that you so (kind of) eloquently targeted. But what you did execute perfectly was joining the ranks of the social justice warriors. 

     Look I’m not bashing on the overall message of the ad, what I have a problem with is the underlying meaning to all of this bullshit which is, masculinity in any form is demonized in this day and age. I get it, its 2019 and it’s not hip to be a man’s man any longer, but those salt of the earth mother fuckers that people refer to as “toxic” and  “cavemen” these days are the ones that do a remarkable job of instilling the values of respect, love, loyalty, and honesty upon young men and they do it ten fold to what any propagandized TV commercial ever could. There’s no such thing as toxic masculinity, there’s wholesome, decent hearted men who would never dream of harming a woman or involving themselves in senseless violence against their fellow man, and there’s the assholes, the shit heads, and the garbage people that need to dealt with according to their actions. Let me break it down ABC 123 style; if a young man is a bully then he should be sat down and informed that his actions will not be tolerated, if he continues his behavior then it should be of no surprise when he has his ass handed to him by the inevitable “bigger fish in the pond.” Also, if a man commits one of the most atrocious crimes possible, rape, then no questions asked he should be put down like a sick fucking dog because he has proven to society that he has forfeited his place as a beneficial member, and has committed something that is unforgivable and unforgettable for the victim. And that’s how you end the problem with dirt bag men and not waste your money on a piece of shit commercial. Feel free to take notes Gillette. 

                      The Addiction Education Seminar

     Addiction is a disease. It runs deep and painful in the veins of those suffering from it. Addiction is utter torment, it’s a disconnect between ones true self and whom they try so earnestly to be on the outside. Addiction is the manifestation of ones crippling insecurities. Addiction is a brutal display of the mangled carnage of what could have been. Addiction is a headstone of those gone before their time.

     All of the aforementioned statements about addiction I do believe to be true, but I am not so clouded in my own personal experiences with it to deny the fact that it is a self induced cancer. It is based on the actions of those that succumb to it. I am aware of the fact that no one is forcing needles into anyone’s veins, no one is pouring liquor down the throats of those who don’t want it, and no one is railing lines in night club bathrooms involuntary. What I am here to do is end an argument that has no validity in even being a discussion. This little educational adventure that we are about to embark on together all stemmed from the fact that I recently discovered that are people who adamantly deny that addiction is a disease, and I’d really like to put an end to that type of ignorance if I may. Something that I found interesting while discussing this topic with folks that disagreed with me was that they all made the same three points in their arguments, and as I listened to them present their points, I couldn’t help but to notice that they were not only wrong but incredibly mislead. Now I’d like to dissect these commonly misconceived notions and graciously show people the errors of their ways.

     “Addiction is not a fucking disease, the dumb junkies just have no self control!” The infamous statement that people tend to use when they have no fucking idea what they’re talking about. People love to so proudly judge the struggles of others that they don’t know, they live to throw stones at the addicts whom are miserably suffering through a bleak existence. These high and mighty imbeciles make their barrel chested presumptions, when they have (from what I’ve discovered) never seen people fight their inner demons all the way to the fucking grave. If you think addiction is not a disease then you better get on your knees and give thanks to whatever God you believe in, that you or anyone you know has never had the monkey on their back. Thank the heavens you’ve never watched someone become a slave to a string of poor decisions. It has been scientifically proven that once a human being becomes addicted to a substance of any kind, that the chemical make up of their brain changes, serotonin receptors begin to react differently, and they begin to become dependent on the substance. In their minds they begin to feel the need for their vice (whatever it may be) the same way we feel the need for any of our basic necessities. Yet I digress, because I am most certainly not a doctor nor a scientist, I’m just a man on a mission to open the eyes of the uneducated and unrighteously opinionated.

     “They’re just weak! I’d never get hooked on that shit!” A statement made frequently by those who are generally pretty fucking lame. The nerds that say this are usually the same self righteous dickweeds that never tried drugs. *slight disclaimer ahead* Drugs are awful and I do not encourage them in any way, shape, or form. *disclaimer over* If you’ve never succumbed to peer pressure and never did drugs (that includes alcohol because it alters your sobriety and therefor is a drug) then good for you, and here’s your notional gold star. However, in my day I have, well let’s say, “been to a few different plains of existence” so I can understand why people become addicted. And by the slightest shred of luck, I have left that life behind and I thank my lucky stars that I never became hooked on anything. That being said, sobriety is for squares and reality is pain, and as much as that sounds like something out of a Jim Morrison poetry book, it’s the most basic way to explain the mentality of a user. We all look for something to dull that edge that cuts us. Some of us find it in jogging around the neighborhood, others find it in smoking meth out of a pipe made of aluminum foil behind a Denny’s. But as my  father always said, “That’s what makes horse races” simply meaning that we’re all  living our lives based on different M.O.’s. So if you’ve never left this realm that we live in, then you have no right to pass judgement and say that you have no sympathy for a struggle you simply don’t understand. Perfect exaple being, I don’t know the first thing about flying airplanes, so I find it best not to lecture pilots in the cockpit about flight patterns. Plainly put and all analogies aside, stay in your fucking lane dorks and educate yourselves on the symptoms of addiction, primarily the withdrawals and the come down that someone goes through when they try to kick their habit. It takes an enormous amount of strength and fortitude to ride out the horrors of the night sweats, night terrors, the shakes, the violent nausea and choose to remain clean, all while knowing full well the remedy for all of those symptoms is a phone call and a plastic bag away.

     “Who gives a shit if they die, they deserve what they got!” What an interesting point of view to have, and one that I wish I could empathize with, I really do. But when you are forced to watch a mother and father throw the ashy remains of their only child off of his favorite mountain range, it gut checks your perspective in a massive way. When you have to watch someone you know deeply and care for passionately throw insurmountable potential down the drain in the name of fuck all, and then and only then with eyes full of tears, a heart full of pain, and a brain riddled with confusion, I want you to tell me that “they got what they deserved.” Those of us who have tried to save people from the hands of their own demise have preached the opportunity of sobriety until someone was literally blue in the face. But there are plenty of us who give a shit if they live or die, because we’ve seen the unsurpassed and endearing will inside of those who have defeated their demons and we know that there is another side to all of this.

     I know I may come across as a broken record as this is not the first and will not be the last piece I write about the addiction epidemic. It’s still an enormous problem that goes overlooked everyday in this country. I will continue to write in an effort to eradicate and slander this devil that has taken so much from my family, my friends, and myself and has driven so many others into an indescribable oblivion. I’m not so naive to think that I can write an ending to addiction, but I am driven enough to keep bringing awareness and overturning stones to expose the vile problems we live amongst.

                                   Viva la Resolution! 

     It is the second day of the New Year, the hangover has faded, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and your nose is placed firmly on the grindstone. You’re living your best life and you have transformed into an entirely different being, so much stronger and more determined than the version of you that was left back in December. You’re full of piss and vinegar and nothing can stop you, you brave young hustler. The potential of so many of your newly made resolutions lingers in the air along with the palpable smell of those resolutions failing and not coming to fruition. I’m sorry, but it’s true. The odds are not in your favor, because you’ve made a drastic life change based on the calendar and not based on your actual yearning to be better. You’re not going to get in shape because we made another trip around the sun. You’re just going to go to the gym, take up space, and look like a giant ass clown in all the under armor gear you bought. You’re not going to read more because the sun rose on January 1st. No, instead you’re just going to have a stack of dusty ass books that you tuck away and shamefully neglect on a shelf. You’re not going to save money because the clock struck midnight, everyone went “wooo!” and you kissed a stranger. You’ll be the same broke dick head you are now as you were last year. Time is not relative to the determination inside of your heart. In other words you’ll better yourself when you or some external force gives you a swift and much needed kick in the ass, and the day, month, or year won’t have shit to do with it.

     If you couldn’t tell I’m not a fan of New Years resolutions. Not because I’m some bitter old grinch, but because I hate overcrowded gyms. Well I suppose there’s a little more to it than that. What I really can’t stand is seeing people decide to become something that they’ve always had the potential to be, but because  it’s a New calendar year, they make a giant spectacle out of their own self care. And this absurd idea of a “New Year, New Me”, has a tendency to cause people to get super fucking introspective all at once and overwhelm themselves with all of their flaws. Looking inward and doing some maintenance on the soul is incredibly important, but when you only do it once a year, you’ll never really know yourself, and before you know it you’ve turned into some annoying asshole that says things like “2019 is going to be my year, I feel it!” What the hell was wrong with last year? Where was this fire in your belly last month? I hate seeing people set themselves up for failure because this new found inspiration is not from the heart, it’s fake motivation derived from a stupid trend. 

     Now by no means am I encouraging anyone to have a mundane and sedentary life. Quite the the opposite actually. Life is incredible, and we don’t have much time to enjoy all of its splendors, so go out and make your existence nothing short of legendary! Go on adventures, exercise daily, love as deeply as those cliche wall letterings that every girl in her twenties has up in her apartment tells you to, do whatever you want, (except smoke crack, don’t smoke crack) you are limitless. But do all of those incredible things not based on some corny ass tradition, but because you are passionate about making your life into something wonderful, and I guarantee you will find a true sense of happiness. Once you find your lane in this life, take ahold of it and run that shit 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.