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Friday, February 14, 2020
Thursday, February 13, 2020
Comprehensible Wavelengths
That’s the dialogue that my brain came up with as I sat there
scratching at my sweaty palms, biting my nails, and grinding my teeth like I
needed a crack rock as I anxiously watched one of my classmates deliver one of
the most cringe-worthy, “Hi, my name is..” PowerPoint presentations I have ever
borne witness to. Apart from his overtly aggressive, “Thank me for my fucking
service” undertones that made me want to violently puke on the floor until I subsequently
died. This man felt a need to give the class an in-depth explanation of how he
was conceived, followed closely by a collage of photographs that explicitly
detailed every medical ailment that he had ever faced. At this point, I was so embarrassed
for him that I had to say something. I felt as if I didn’t and I held my breath
any tighter, I might physically implode. Instead of referring back to any of the
thoughts that I had in the paragraph above, or even holding my tongue until I
could speak to him privately, or even better yet, not saying anything at all. I
audibly said, “Everything you say makes my butthole pucker.”
Generally speaking, that particular combination of words rarely
goes unnoticed or without some kind of reaction. The reaction was laughter and deep
down I fucking hate that. There’s no reward to be found in humiliating someone
else. If I truly was embarrassed for this man, then why did I speak more of it
into existence? I was convinced that it was due to the fact that I am just
somewhat of an asshole. And while that simple bit of self-analysis may hold
more truth than I would like, I recently told that story while we were recording
the newest episode of the podcast and I was informed of a new term for what I
might be. Empath.
**********
While the term empath certainly seems more flattering than,
asshole. I still have my reservations on how I feel about it. That’s primarily
considering I had never even heard of it before this past weekend.
But I figured I’d do my research and see if I really had the
traits of an empath. What I found was certainly interesting.
The article I found was from a website named, “Highly
Sensitive Refuge”. The webpage opens up with an image of a woman who looks like
she is truly at peace. She had flowers blooming from her face and she appeared
to be taking a long, deep inhale of what I can only imagine is nothing but the
freshest of fresh air. “Is this what being an empath looks like? I’m definitely
in the wrong place.” I thought to myself, as I began to explore the attributes
of this potentially new character trait of mine.
This article below
the image described the thirteen most common traits of empaths. I’m not going
to bore you to death with all thirteen, but I definitely found at least one
that was applicable to me. The article touches on how empaths are able to not necessarily
just exercise empathy, in terms of relating to someone’s emotional expression. Instead,
they can embody the emotions of those they feel concern for. That particular
statement is what really hit home for me. When my classmate was making an
absolute ass hat of himself in front of an entire room of people, I didn’t feel
for him. As strange as it sounds, I felt as though we were both up there being
ridiculed under the whispers and thoughts of all our uncomfortable classmates.
I know this feeling of ridicule, all too well. For Christ’s
sake in middle school (of all times) I was not only overweight, I was a chunky
little emo kid, to boot. When you have the biggest titties in the eighth grade,
and you have purple hair, your existence is pain. Believe me when I say, I know
what the receiving end of embarrassment looks like and feels like. I hate it with
every fiber of my being. And watching my classmate do it to himself was like
watching someone slowly lower their head into a fucking wood-chipper.
**********
But that’s not really the case, is it? There’s no wood-chipper.
There’s no imminent threat to either of us. This young man is in no danger of
hurting himself or anyone else by just being horrendously abrasive and overbearing.
To some extent, I’m probably projecting my own insecurities on some guy that’s
just trying to tell his story. But I physically can’t help but feel the way I
do towards people that are unintentionally subjecting themselves to the throws
of humiliation. And that is in no way an excuse for my outburst, or am I saying
that I am in any way, shape, or form an empath. I feel as though, I may still
be leaning farther into the territory of, “terribly judgmental” or “a little bit
cynical” than I am towards anything else.
I dug a little deeper into the idea of “why?” As in, “Why do
some people feel this way when others don’t?” I found out that there have been
no scientific or psychological proofs of a true empath. And the study of
hyper-empathy has not been entirely conclusive, either. So, the
conclusion here is, I’m still very fucking confused. If for nothing less, this
has been an eye-opening experience into how I perceive my interactions.
I’m not going to drag you any further into my journey of self-discovery.
Because if I’m being honest, I find this ride to be very confusing as well. Nonetheless,
I thank you for entertaining my mind as it pondered over one of life’s oldest
questions, “Am I an asshole, or not?”
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